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Off Track

by Lily McKown

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For JS

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released September 14, 2015

Artwork done by Carly McKown

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Lily McKown Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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Track Name: Off Track
Should I help or should I hide? You tell me whatever’s fine. Should I keep quiet or should I find… a way to get you in line? I’m conflicted with my thoughts. Didn’t really think you cared for me that much. And I restrict myself. I keep holding back. There’s no rhyme or reason. It’s just keeping me off track. I look at myself and I feel as if… I’m trying too hard to seem not jealous. When all this time it’s not all cracked up to be. I see that boy walking down the street and he looks so worried…
To be involved in a mess he wasn’t trying to be. He feels it’s his fault. I feel sympathy. Maybe some people in this world are stuck in someone else’s misery.
Track Name: Four Nights
You said you don’t really understand that pain I feel. You said you don’t really know what’s fake and what’s real. Well is that all you have to say? I’m packed to go. Never coming back. Just glad to go home. And the conversation is still swimming in my head. I try to drown you out, but I can’t get rid of it. But it was just four nights. Why are you upset? It could have been a hell of a lot worse in my opinion. But I know you don’t listen to that. I’m constantly reminded of all the things I’ve screwed up. But if you’d stop talking for just a moment… I could decipher which is what. Isn’t that what you want? For me to tell everyone that it’s my fault. You just wish it was my fault.
Track Name: JS
Get home every night. Take my backpack off. Nobody’s gonna hold my hand. I get to my game, but it’s always a shame. Nobody’s sitting in the stands. I’m ready to leave, but there’s no one I trust. No way to get back home. My family picture is blank… but I’m wishing to fill it in. I live on my own with no supervision. School is a joke. I don’t know why I even bother. Teachers are worried about me. Sometimes I don’t know who to be. I’m trying to juggle everything. And it’s not so easy. Sometimes I feel hopeless. My little brother has given up on me. And he used to cheer me up… And tell me funny stories. But now his eyes are open and exposed to the reality.
Track Name: Phase
This is not what I expected. I don’t know what I want anymore. Everybody’s leaving. And I’m still pinned down on this floor. This is not how I dreamt it. Abandoned rooms and empty drawers. Just leave me a message. I’ll get back whenever I feel bored. They’re feeling a little tired. I assume they will always be stuck in their ways. Or or they… Trying to break out of that phase? I’m skeptical of this life. For a while I was convinced I had it covered. Now I’m more broken than before. And I’m turning on everybody. They’re calling me out for being selfish once again. And it’s probably true, but I can’t take the pain. And now the days winding down and they’re feeling a little tired. I assume they will always be stuck in their ways. Or or they… trying to break out of that phase?
Track Name: Day After
Now I’m nauseous. The feeling just hit. I’m staring at old photographs. As I start to sit. To me they feel brand new. But it’s ancient history to you. 3 years ago I would never let go. Now I know why I refused to.
Track Name: Dying Out Slowly
Why is everything all upside down? This just wasn’t meant to be. Whatever happened to our promise? You swore on your life you’d stick with me. Well, I might not be all there… but at least I see the real world through my eyes. Not like everybody else wasting their time. And I crush your dreams like a paper cup. Slowly and slowly the numbers add up. And I don’t know where I went wrong… I told myself not to cry. Cause I gotta hope it’ll be alright.
I’m sick of these impressions they never look real. You keep playing these games and your breaking the deal. Why do I even try? And I think about you every night. And I don’t know why but you’re still a topic of discussion in my mind. This mental trick only lasts so long… before you finally understand where it was you went wrong. The promises you broke have accumulated to more than I could count. (chorus) Just pull through for these last few days then I promise it will be okay. Sometimes things just aren’t meant to be. But I’ll show you what happiness will do for you. Then maybe all these days will go by a little faster. Cause one minute I’m convinced. The next finding out how I’ve been tricked. And now I haven’t looked back since. Cause I know what I’m in for this time around.
Track Name: The Remains
I remember when you stood up to speak. Your stature on point. But your diction so weak. You tried to tell me. The things you had known. Or what you thought you had known. You stumbled upon every word you spoke. I listened to you for the first time. Then the feeling evoked. Your sorrow is something you’ll never escape. And you’ll try to get out. But your bent out of shape. With that wooden box. And his old car… all that is left is one ugly scar.